Impossible Heights.

 Last night, I couldn't sleep.

Again.

Like always.

So I crept up my husband's side of the bed and held him tight.

Usually he'd be awake by 5 am, and it was about time he woke up.

He always knew when I just needed a hug, he held me back.

My husband has been helping me out so much emotionally, when I feel stuck with my life. It's weird how I feel so thankful to be living with him, but in the same time I'm struggling in a way that he isn't. 

Aku tak faham otak aku ni, kenapa complicated sangat. Suami cakap hidup ni tak complicated pun. Aku senyum je masa dia cakap macam tu. Kalau hidup ni tak complicated, kenapa aku sendiri tak tau kenapa aku susah sangat nak tidur? It happens always on a random day, yang kadang2 aku penat gila dah. Penat tau tak...

He texted me when he's at work, asking why couldn't I sleep last night. I said I blamed the tea we had when we're out for late dinner. Then he laughed. See? Even he's getting tired of my antics, cos he had that tea more than me and he slept just fine. Haish... 

All these sleepless nights is making me sick, sick in a way I'll be done with life when morning comes, you get what I mean? My husband knows too well he doesn't have to say anything when he wakes up in the morning and seeing me all wide awake, he just offers his arms to me.

In a better world, things should've been better for me, for us.

❤️‍🩹

Rindu.

Never would've thought I'd be celebrating my birthday in confinement this year. Alhamdulillah for all that He granted me in the past year.

Cuma tu lah, terkenang yang dah takde. Mesti dia tersengih je kalau dapat tunjuk cucu baru ni pada dia. Rindu yang tak tertanggung tapi apakan daya, dia bukan di sini dah.

Menitik air mata lagi kalau teringatkan dia. Pelik kenapa aku terlalu emosi bila rindukan dia. Betul la mak cakap, aku ni yang paling iras muka dia, dan ikut perangai dia. Aku tak nampak apa persamaannya, sebenarnya. Tapi tu la, aku cuma rindu dengar nasihat dia.

Bila penat, bila rasa nak putus asa, bila rasa sesak dada ni, mesti terpikir apa dia akan nasihat dalam situasi macam tu. Lepas tu mesti aku tak jadi nak pikir negatif dah. Sebab dia selalu cakap, selagi boleh bertahan, bertahan. Selagi boleh buat, kita buat. Selagi mampu ikhlas, ikhlaskan. Tak senang, tapi kita cuba lah.

Al-Fatihah untuk abah.

Another Side of Life.

Lepas abah meninggal, dua kali aku termimpikan dia.

Kali pertama, tak lama lepas dia meninggal... Aku nampak dia, muka dia cuma tersenyum pada aku tapi taktau kenapa dalam mimpi tu aku seolah-olah dapat pesan untuk tengokkan akak aku yang sorang tu.

Kali kedua, lepas aku tanya mak agaknya abah tenang tak jika urusan faraid masih tak selesai. Tiba-tiba aku termimpi lagi dia, cuma pandang aku, tersenyum manis, aku seolah-olah panggil dia, tapi dia berlalu pergi dari aku.

Aku tak rindu, aku cuma terkenang memori yang ada dengan abah. Orang yang paling banyak tinggalkan nasihat untuk aku.

Semalam aku pergi ke kubur dia, mak cakap kubur abah dikelilingi oleh semua kawan baik dia dari geng masjid dia. Orang yang sama banyak melawat ayah aku lepas dia tak sihat. Alhamdulillah. Harapnya abah berehat tenang dan bahagia di sana. Ameen.

Ships and Tides.

Like life, tides come and go.

 It's just a matter of time, and the patience to wait.

The 100th Take.

 You know sometimes life is hard when things don't go as expected.

You either embrace it or you can deny it but it's gonna happen anyway.

Void.

 I woke up crying this morning. 

In my book, that means I'm not in a good state.

I don't feel alone, I just feel misunderstood these days.

By everyone lah.

Hati ni, kalau dia ikut setan, dia nak lari jauh-jauh dah.

Fly mana-mana jap, luar negara ke.

Tapi tengok balik muka anak yang takde setitik dosa ni,

Otak jadi waras semula.

Am I too ambitious?

Am I too harsh on people?

Why can't people see what I see?

I know there are things that I do looks crazy to some,

But I know it's for a greater good.

BUT, why am I feeling guilty now?

Entah la, jiwa tengah kacau semula ni.

Aku perlukan ketenangan.

Lari kejap, bye!

What a Wreck.

How to escape from my own thoughts? It's so hard for me to fall asleep these days because of these loud thoughts in my head... I've been in bed since 1am, hands off from my phone... I give up sleeping when I see the clock on the wall is already 3.30am.

It's easy to say, oh let's put a rest to everything and move along. Yes, I can do that. But my whole life, I feel complete with Mum and Dad. And suddenly, Dad is gone.

Just like that???

Ya Allah...