Staying Sober.

 In my life, my husband is the only person who understands me when I say I can't sleep. He says, talk it out to him, or whatever I wanna do to get my unresolved thoughts out. But tonight is just one of those nights that I'm too tired to do anything...

My son is safe and sound, husband is away in Snoozeland, while I'm here laying down in the middle. I wish I can sleep like them, like literally get to sleep right away after getting in bed...

Sometimes, when this feeling comes - I always remind myself to be grateful for everything. What more do I need in life to feel adequate? Why do I still feel empty sometimes? Am I not doing enough to God? Am I not doing enough for my family, my marriage, for my baby?

There are times Isma wakes up for milk around 2-4am, and usually during this times - I would raise my hand and pray to Him. About everything. Why I don't feel good like I used to? What's wrong with my head?

I have more than enough, I should not be feeling this way. Am I scared of getting old and frail? Am I scared I might die tomorrow with nothing to leave behind? Technically I will leave something, but you know - this is about amal.

I think ever since COVID-19 has been announced as an endemic and it's something that we need to live with, my brain just burst. I hate the new normal, my brain despise all the stupid SOPs we have to follow the moment we step out of the house, and the second we step into house.

Entah la, I need to find what's triggering this emotion.